Remus's First Love
by delicatedreams
Summary: Remus refuses to allow himself to love Tonks in the fifth Harry Potter installment... What is his real reason for this?


A/N: So I wrote this AGES ago…but I still really like it. It's just a one-shot fic, but I think it's incredibly sad and sweet. It's got a bit of canon to it and a bit of my own thoughts to it. I just wanted a better explanation for why Remus wouldn't allow himself to be with Tonks. It is not by any means what really happened; I just wrote this because I thought it would make a good fanfiction! I hope you enjoy it, especially since it's pretty different from my normal style. OH YEAH! Italics are the memories, if it isn't obvious.

As the Order of the Phoenix filtered out of The Burrow after a weekly meeting in their temporary headquarters, Tonks waited outside the door quietly. Her hair was mousy brown today, as it had been for several weeks. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her black jeans, continuing to wait for a certain person. Within in five minutes, he exited the house. He had sad blue eyes, mousy hair, and a face covered in scratches and bruises. She felt her heart skip a beat as he approached. He didn't stop. Quickly she scurried after him and grabbed him by the arm.  
"Remus!" she exclaimed.

"Tonks," he said softly, his teeth clenched tightly for some reason. He gently shook his arm free from her grasp. "I really need to get going… Order business, you know."  
She crossed her arms, a stubborn scowl coming onto her face. "Remus J. Lupin!" she snapped. "I know perfectly well that you're staying in this house for the remainder of the week. Please stop avoiding me; I just want to talk to you."

Remus let out a sigh, his already sad and stressed face seeming to become even more so. "Look, I know what you want to talk about…"  
"Well, good," Tonks replied. "Do you – do you think we could give it a shot?"

"No, I don't," he said almost coldly.

"But why?" she questioned exasperatedly. "I know you like me, too!"

"I shouldn't," he said, sighing. "I am too old, too poor, and much too dangerous…"

"I don't care about your age or your money!" she snapped. "What do you take me for? And frankly, I don't care much about how "dangerous" you are! I'm an Auror for Merlin's sake! Do you think I'm scared of danger?"

Remus shook his head firmly. "It can't work Tonks, it can't! You're too young to understand why I'm bad for you."

Glassy tears began to leak from Tonks' eyes. "Don't say things like that! I know what I'd be getting myself into, and I don't care. I love you! That's all I care about!"

Amazingly enough, tears began to drip from Remus' eyes as well. Tonks seized the front of his robe and pulled him to her forcefully.

"Don't you get it?" she choked out. "I love you, Remus! I LOVE YOU!"

Her lips pressed up against his. For the slightest moment, he kissed her back. Then, without warning, he pushed her away. He began to shake his head again. Tonks' lip trembled as she lost it. Remus wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but he knew he shouldn't. Cold tears traveled down the side of her nose and dripped off the end. She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly shivering despite the strong heat of July. Remus turned, unable to look into her eyes. After both standing there for a moment, Remus turned back around, took her hand, and led her quickly over to an oak tree that kept them out of sight of the Weasley family's home and any possible eavesdroppers.

"You need to know something Tonks," he said slowly, sitting down. She sniffled and sat down beside him, leaning against the tree. "I'm going to tell you the truth of why we can't be together. Just listen, please." With that, he launched into his story, a story of love and loss.

_"Hey Remus," Delilah said, smiling brightly at him as she took the seat across from him at the Gryffindor House table. "How did you do on your NEWT Transfiguration review?"_

_"I managed an E," he said, smiling right back at her. "And you?"_

_"Oh, an O," she replied, scooping some potpie onto her plate. "Transfiguration has always been my best subject."_

_"I noticed," he said, the words just slipping out._

_"You did, did you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "Have you been watching me or something?"_

_She watched his slightly scarred cheeks turn bright red. Sirius Black and James Potter burst into laughter to Remus' right. "Oh yeah, he's been watching you," Sirius said, snorting into his tripe._

_Now it was Delilah's turn to blush. "You – You have?"_

_"Perhaps a bit," Remus admitted. _

_"Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow?" she asked suddenly._

_He nodded. "Yeah, I'd really like that."_

"Is that why you won't give me a shot?" Tonks interrupted. "Do you still have feelings for this Delilah person?"

"Yes and no," Remus said quietly, staring down at his hands. "Just keep listening…"

_Remus spent a couple of hours the next morning getting ready; he wanted to impress Delilah. James, Sirius, and Peter all snickered as they watched him apply cologne. Remus just shot them a nasty look; if things like this made Delilah like him, what did he care what his friends thought about it?_

_He got to the Three Broomsticks fifteen minutes before they had arranged to meet each other. His palms were sweaty with nerves, and he kept checking his watch nervously, scared that she wouldn't show up. But at exactly 10:30, she sauntered up, looking breath taking. Remus drew in a breath sharply; she was so beautiful. Her white blonde hair was pulled away from her face with a ruby clip in the shape of a butterfly; small wispy curls had escaped and framed her face. She had only a little makeup on, but the small bit of mascara, blush, and lip-gloss had brought out her natural beauty. A cotton dress that was the shade of her hair clip fell gracefully over her curves and stopped suddenly at her knees._

_"Hey there," she breathed._

_Remus managed to choke out, "Hi. You look lovely."_

_"Thank you," she said quietly, looking shyly up into his eyes._

_He took her hand, and together they walked out onto the streets of Hogsmeade._

_As the final days of school and NEWTs drew closer, Remus and Delilah became inseparable. They walked to classes together, ate lunch together, and spent every Hogsmeade moment with each other. They were devoted to each other. So much, that Delilah, while being concerned, never asked Remus about the scars he didn't want to talk about. She kept her questions silenced, but would produce murtlap essence for him to ease any pain he felt from the mysterious scratches and bruises. While it made him happy most of the time, an icky feeling would fill the pit of his stomach with her unquestioning kindness. No one, not even his three best friends, had ever shown him so much consideration, and they knew of his "furry little problem."_

_Before long, NEWTs were upon them. Delilah and Remus found themselves too busy cramming in notes between exams to share more than a few rushed kisses. As it usually did, absence made the heart grow fonder. Remus found himself wanting only to tell Delilah the truth, but there was just no time to do it. He knew that they would end up together, and that she deserved to know._

_"How'd your final exam go?" Delilah asked brightly coming into the common room after taking her practical Astronomy exam._

_"Great!" Remus yelled over the thumping music of the Gryffindors' end of exams party that had just started a few minutes previous, seeing as Astronomy was hosted until midnight. "Look, could we go and talk?" he yelled._

_"Oh Remus, could we party some?" Delilah called back, squeezing her way to him. "Unless it can't wait."_

_Remus looked at her, seeing how eager she was to just sit back and party after the stress of exams. It was almost cruel to share his burden with her when all they should be doing is relaxing. He shook his head. "It's fine," he yelped. "I can tell you when we get together over the summer!" He pulled a wide smile onto his face, pulled her to him, and began to dance the night away._

Tonks crinkled up her nose in disgust. "Remus, if you didn't like me, you could say so," she snapped. "This is making me slightly nauseous!"

"Give me ten more minutes," he sighed, taking a deep breath. The horror of his story and his life was coming up.

_It was July 6__th__, Delilah's 18__th__ birthday. Remus still hadn't told her the truth. He couldn't tonight, either, for it was time for the full moon. As the sun sunk low in the sky, Remus locked himself in the bedroom that he still had in his parents home, putting a spell on his door and window that would not allow him to leave the room while in his werewolf form. _

_As the first hint of darkness and moonlight entered his room, pain shot through is body. He gripped the arms of his desk chair and let out a howl of pain. His clothes ripped at the seams as his shoulders broadened and body stretched. His skin prickled as if a thousand mosquitoes had bitten him at once. Thick brown hair shot up all over his body. As he felt his nose forming into a snout, a shriek filled the room. His suddenly yellow eyes snapped to attention. He let out a howl as the tempting scent of human flesh filled his nostrils. Growling he leapt at the now open window. A crash sounded as a slender body fell against his desk. He brandished his teeth at the shrieking girl. All he wanted to do was rip her to pieces, so, not in his human mind, he did._

Tonks' eyes had filled with tears. "It was her?"

Remus looked away from the woman he had grown to love. "Yes, it was. She had come to surprise me on her birthday. When her parents found out, they stayed just long enough at my home to tell me that she had come to see me. It was apparently the thing she wanted most for her birthday."

"Did you turn her into a werewolf?" she choked out.

"No," Remus said hoarsely. "I had never had the chance as a werewolf to harm a person, and the scent of blood was just too tempting. I practically destroyed her." He covered his face with his hands. "She was dead within minutes."

Silence fell between the two of them. Only the cluck of chickens several yards away penetrated it. Finally, Tonks looked at Remus. "That won't happen with me," she said. "I know the truth Remus! Please, I want to be with you."

"No," Remus said, standing up. "I can't risk anything like what happened to Delilah!" And with tears streaming down his face, he turned on the spot, disapparating.

Tonks fell back against the tree, sobbing. Her heart ached as she longed for Remus. Abruptly she stopped her tears. At last she knew the truth. He did care for her; in fact, he cared for her so much that he was willing to separate himself from her to save her life. Tonks set her jaw, determined. She was willing to wait until Remus trusted and forgave himself. She would wait, knowing that was all she could ever do.


End file.
